About Envelopes, Owls and Exploding Spells
by Strangershadow
Summary: .."So tell me, Granger, how does it feel to be in a love triangle with two animals?"...[Dramione]


**A/N: Another random fic that just popped in my mind. **

**Here's a fun fact- I wrote this entire fic (the original one in my notebook) in Calligraphy and in green ink to give it a 'Draco' effect. I dunno why it's important- just thought it'd be fun mentioning that ;P**

**DISCLAIMER- Don't own Harry Potter. Otherwise, Hermione would've gotten a happily ever after with Draco, not with Weaselbee.**

**Enjoy~**

* * *

_To: _

_Hermione Granger_

_Head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures._

_Ministry of Magic_

_Miss Granger,_

_This letter is regarding the absurd movement you have started. Pardon me but your movement should not be so persuasive and offending to the traditions of all the Magical Pureblooded families- one of which I belong to- where services of House-Elves are deemed necessary and have been going on for generations._

_I have had three Ministry officials come to my house in the past one week demanding my House-Elves be set free. For Merlin's sake, Granger, please note that not every God forsaken Elf needs your help._

_-Draco Malfoy_

_Wizengamot Administration Services_

_Department of Law Enforcement_

_Ministry of Magic._

* * *

_To: Hermione Granger_

_Head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures._

_Ministry of Magic_

_Miss Granger,_

_By 'not every God forsaken Elf' I meant those of the Malfoy Manor household. We treat them like House-Elves should be treated, and I do not hear them complaining, so I don't know why you should._

_My patience is wearing thin. Please note that if forced, I will unleash my House-Elves upon you, and your Elfish Welfare Rights be damned- they will listen to my orders._

_Not to mention they are quite horrified by the fact that you intend to set them free._

**_-_**_Draco Malfoy_

_Wizengamot Administration Services_

_Department of Law Enforcement_

_Ministry of Magic._

* * *

_Granger,_

_I have no intentions to address you properly anymore. I am aware you are in love with House-Elves everywhere (and that includes Weasley too) but stay away from my property from now on or I will wage war against you._

_- Draco Malfoy_

_Wizengamot Administration Services_

_Department of Law Enforcement_

_Ministry of Magic._

* * *

_Granger,_

_That's it! I've had it with you! I am suing you and your stupid organisation! Do you have ANY idea how LONG it took to calm down all of those House-Elves at BLOODY FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING and tell them I had not given them those cheap, wooly socks?_

_Who do you think you are, Granger? You think EVERY sorry creature on this planet needs your help? What are you for them anyway? Some sort of helpline they can dial whenever they NEED assistance? And yes, that was a Muggle example, BIG DEAL._

_I mean, don't you have a life? Stop with incessant psychological behaviour and to do something useful! Bear the Weasel hundreds of red-headed babies, I don't care! Just leave me the heck alone because if you think you've won so easily, you're in for a real treat once I start plotting, Granger._

_Consider this my last warning before I start giving you hell._

_And I am a Slytherin- you do NOT want to mess with me._

_- Draco Malfoy_

* * *

_Granger-_

_WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL OF MY HOUSE-ELVES?_

* * *

_Granger,_

_So! How does it feel to be the witness of so much sorrow of so many House-Elves, Granger? From what I saw, they were close to hysterical tears. It took me an hour and a Silencing charm to stop myself from laughing._

_Didn't I tell you House-Elves hate being freed? But no- you only listen to yourself, and the poor crying soul of these creatures, so I decided you hear from my House-Elves that you have freed about how 'happy' they are to be given those socks._

_I suppose your day must have been eventful after being criticised in so many colourful ways. Your face was worth watching, I even took pictures. There is a copy enclosed with this letter if you want to keep one for the memories._

_I told you not to mess with me. Now leave me and my House-Elves alone._

_-Draco Malfoy_

* * *

_Granger,_

_Yes, I pay my House-Elves, Granger. I suppose it was Bonnie who told you? She was always a good friend of Dobby's- shared the same opinions- was (and still is) fascinated with the bloody Pothead. You should listen to her talk about you- she goes on and on for hours, I can't stop her if I wanted to. If I hear another word__ about your aversion to Parsnips or that incident with the Care of Magical Creatures Monster book when it ripped out your hair (ha ha, by the way) I will barf._

_But on the upside, Bonnie does know __so much __about you, Granger. All your dark, dirty, little secrets..._

_All I can say is-_

_Victor Krum?_

_...Seriously?!_

_-Draco Malfoy_

* * *

_Granger,_

_ Oh yes, you should really be- even walls have ears. But in this __case, I strongly suggest you do not share gossip with the Weaslette. She's pretty, but she tells Potter, and Potter finds it his duty to tell your ginger-assed boyfriend who splutters and gasps and turns red. It's almost like I don't even need Bonnie to spy. _

_But, I'm not complaining._

_YES, I have resolved that issue! Keep your knickers on, Granger, your bloody law will pass, just let me do my job!_

_Although I still need to discuss some of the de-merits before Shacklebolt signs it. I know you have no affinity with the Administration Services, but I need to discuss it with someone with the sufficient amount of brains, and everyone else in my Department are either mindless drones or senile men with receding hairlines who talk in a really funny language._

_So, if you aren't too busy marching down the streets of Wizarding London vanishing people's House-Elves by will, I will pick you up at eight and we will go for dinner, where we can discuss the law in peace._

_-Draco Malfoy_

* * *

_Granger,_

_No, he did not! He had his eyes on you the whole night, Granger, it is not my fault he somehow found your humongous bush of hair and beaver teeth attractive! And I'm sorry but I'm not overly fond of having my companion goggled at in a public place. What else did you expect me to do? I'm not that cowardly, snotty little kid anymore to just sit around and watch the waiter hit on you without doing something about it!_

_And yes, I am completely aware of what the tabloids are saying about us. _

_Do I care?_

_Hell no. Why should I? Let Scarhead and Weasley and the rest of the world think what they may, that is your problem, not mine. None of the Purebloods consider the Malfoys prestigious anymore, so I don't have much of a reputation to keep anyway. __But I would LOVE to see Scarhead and Weaselbee's faces when they see our picture in tomorrow's newspaper. Capture the moment for me?_

_-Malfoy_

* * *

_Granger,_

_I'm sorry about what happened. If I knew that my words would trigger it, I would've never commented. It would have surely saved the whole Ministry from a huge drama show, not to mention saved their ears from bursting. And well...you would still be with the Weasel._

_On second thoughts, you know what? I WOULD have commented. If Weasley doesn't trust you enough, that is not my problem, and frankly, that's not yours either.__I honestly don't know why you were with him, Granger. And they call you the Brightest Witch of Our Age? Bloody unlikely._

_And my handwriting looks perfectly fine, __thank you! How dare you insult it- I learnt calligraphy when I was seven, so it's not my fault it has influenced the structure of my handwriting. It's yours that is loopy and girly, not mine, Granger.!_

_-Malfoy_

_P.S. I noticed you were not talking to Potter or Weasely today (well, obviously). Care to join me for Lunch Break tomorrow?_

* * *

_Granger,_

_His name is Artemis and how is it MY fault?! I'm more than twenty miles away from you! You should've never let him near the blasted cat in the first place- __pets are meant to be in cages, Granger, not waiting near the window to pounce on the Malfoy owl! And for your information, he is perfectly well-trained! What the fuck does 'Crookshanks' mean anyway?_

_Calligraohy lessons are not girly! Enough with the comments already! My mother found it important I receive them as part of my Pureblood education. I'm not saying they were fun, but I did not have much of a choice, did I?_

_-Malfoy_

_P.S Stop hogging all of my fries._

* * *

_Granger,_

_I know you introduced me to it in the first place, but that doesn't give you the right to eat my order! OR take my Toy of the Week when I CLEARLY paid for The Happy Meal! And buy your own fries the next time._

_Did you see Weaselbee's face when he saw us coming in together? I felt tempted to put my arm around you just to see his reaction. Although by the time he actually reacts, we would've dome something even more drastic...if you know what I mean._

_Moving on, Kingsley has congratulated me on passing out such a 'precise and flawless' law. To quote his words directly- it "had a touch of Granger" to it. Of course, on normal days that would insult me a little, but when it concerns matters of bookworm-affliated subjects, your name __undoubtedly means a compliment._

_After all, that law was pretty perfect, if I dare say so myself._

_-Malfoy_

_P.S. Lunch at McDoodle's again tomorrow?_

* * *

_Granger, _

_What have you done to Artemis? That blasted creature almost bit my arm off and I'm sure it was on your orders! And come on, I was paying you a compliment! I don't understand you, Granger. When I comment, you are dissatisfied, when I compliment, you order my owl to murder me._

_And yes, you helped me with the law AT YOUR OWN WILL. What do you want me to do? You don't actually expect me to share credit with you, do you? Even if you do, just let me clarify you by reminding you that I'M NOT GOING TO._

_-Malfoy_

_P.S. I don't care if it's McDonalds. It will forever remain McDoodles to me._

* * *

_Granger,_

_Fine, fine! I will! But only because I know Artemis won't stop trying to kill me until I personally Floo over to Kingsey's myself and tell him that you helped._

_Honestly, that owl is nuts about you- and I clearly think the reason it knocks out that mad cat of yours every time it comes is because both of them are in a battle for your affections. _

_And he's a Malfoy owl, Granger- he will always win._

_So tell me, Granger, how does it feel to be in a love triangle with two animals? The heartbreak, the sleepless nights...must be really tough on you, no wonder you look more tired than usual these days. And as much as I admire your work to help the poor souls of House-Elves who don't have any voice to complain and irritate us on their own, I strongly suggest you take some rest if you want to survive this week. I heard Potter and Weasley have been giving you a hard time. I would interject- tell them we're not actually a couple (how foolish would the Weasel feel then for breaking up with you) but it's so much more fun to watch instead._

_And again- YES, I'm going to meet Kingsley if my owl would just GIVE ME A SECOND._

_-Malfoy_

_P.S Let me take you to dinner as an apology. You did help me with that law, and Malfoys do not owe anyone anything._

* * *

_Granger,_

_Well, are you happy now? The 'Dramione' Law they're calling it! It's absolutely ridiculous- but no- you just had to make me go to Kingsley to tell that you helped. And yes, I know you didn't say it like that, but Artemis' actions certainly implied that I had to do something so don't blame it on me! I was just trying to give you the credit you deserved!_

_And now we have people shipping us. It's surprising though, I thought the public hated our pair- more like they were die-hard fans of yours' and Weasel's small excuse of a relationship. Which reminds me, Ronald Weasley was the star of the show when they announced the name of the law! _

_I'm sure he regrets setting the host's hair on fire though, but- what do I know?_

_-Malfoy_

_P.S. You looked nice last night. Presentable. Not too hard on the eyes. Actually pretty._

_...Pretty beautiful._

* * *

_Granger,_

_Before you say anything or send me a reply (which I'm pretty sure will be in the form of a Howler), let me just tell you that I don't regret a thing. I may not be overly fond of what I did with the whole Ministry watching, but if you think I am going to __apologize to Weasley about it, you've got another thing going on. He deserved every last punch, and you know what, Granger? _

___It felt fucking great._

_That goon lost the right to profess his so-called 'love' for you the minute he yelled at you for 'breaking his trust'. I know I was watching silently from the sidelines at that time, but that was only because I have some moral values myself, and I knew getting in that argument would only worsen your case. But this time, oh no- this time, he practically made you cry, with some stupid sentimental words I am sure he's by-hearted from the pages of some cheap romance novel. I know you don't believe him (or maybe you do, Merlin forbid) but your so-called 'fond' memories with him are bound to confuse you. _

_And while you were busy bawling your eyes out, I noticed how he continued to keep distance from you, as if he was afraid you would hug him and leave tear tracks on his oh-so-expensice robes. And while I know that it must've taken Wesley some years to buy those robes, they're still not worth missing a hug from you._

_So, again, I would say he deserved every last punch (and yes, I know I deserved it too)._

_But it was worth it. _

_-Draco_

_P.S. And thank you for applying that Murtlap Essence- it really helped with the stinging (although your bantering in the background really killed the mood)_

* * *

_Granger,_

_Now we're talking! I like you when you're on a guilt trip, Granger. Yes, I would love to go to dinner with you. My poor broken wrist will be worth something now. _

_I will be there to pick you up at eight. _

_-Draco_

_P.S. Wear something...revealing. My rules, my way. _

* * *

_Granger,_

_Some date you are. I clearly stated 'revealing'. In how many ways can you take that sentence to leave you confused?_

_No, I'm a perfect gentleman. I'm a Malfoy, remember? You should say that to Weasel though. His jaw unhinges itself and hangs there in the open air whenever you walk in and you have a single shirt button open. _

_And you call me a pervert._

_Yes, I know, but I don't think I care. Our darling fans seem to have found enough reasons for me to date you, so why should I disappoint them? _

_And anyway, I've totally earned Weasley's jealousy._

_-Draco_

_P.S. Be ready by eight, as usual._

* * *

_Granger,_

_I think we need to talk about what happened last night. Meet me for dinner by seven, I will be there. Usual reservations, unless you want to dine somewhere else? Let me know._

_-Draco_

* * *

_Granger,_

_...Did you get my last letter? I'm utterly sure, since you weren't there at the restaurant. I don't entirely trust Artemis anyway, so just in case, I will pick you up this time. Seven o' clock. Be ready._

_-Draco_

_P.S. I was unable to pick you up last night. My apologies, I thought it wouldn't be convenient for you, as you were in that meeting and you didn't send a reply stating whether you'd be there by yourself, or...yeah._

* * *

_Granger,_

_Okay- honestly?! After everything that happened that night, you resort to ignoring me__? What do you think, Granger- you can ignore my letters but you can't hide from me at the Ministry!_

_And you call my behavior childish!_

_-Draco_

* * *

_Granger,_

_I am taking you to that dinner. _

_I don't CARE if you ignore me for the next century to come, or slam your office door on my face (and THANK YOU for the broken nose by the way) or set a hundred House-Elves my way, I'm going to stand on your doorstep just like this EVERY SINGLE DAY from seven 'til the next morning if I have to, but I am TAKING you to that dinner and sorting this business out, even if you don't want to talk about it, because quite honestly? I don't give a shit about the repercussions anymore._

_-Draco_

* * *

_Granger, _

_You know, I honestly thought better of you. Who would think you will hide behind petty issues like these behind your doors like a coward? I thought you Gryffindors were supposed to be stupidly brave?_

_You were stupid enough to sleep with me- so how come you're not brave enough to face me?_

_-Draco_

* * *

_Granger,_

_This is getting tiring. Do you get enjoyment out of watching me camp out in front of your house everyday, Granger? Even the pedestrians have started recognizing me now. _

_...Are you even getting my letters? The only hint that I have is the fact that Artemis returns without them, so you must be getting them. _

_But are you reading them?_

_-Draco_

* * *

_Granger,_

_I'm not giving up, just so you know. As it turns out, a Slytherin like me seems to have much more determination than a so-called "Gryffindor" like you._

_But just to remind you. I am a Slytherin, Granger. I will do anything achieve my goals. Don't make me show that side of mine. _

_-Draco_

* * *

**To: Hermione Granger's Office,**

**Head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.**

**Ministry of Magic**

**Miss Granger, **

**This is to inform you that as of now, at precisely 5:46 p.m, Draco Malfoy has been admitted to St. Mungo's for magical injuries inflicted upon him during an accident. Mr. Malfoy has you registered as his Emergency Contact, and next of kin, and it is our duty we inform one relative or friend of the patient immediately.**

**He is currently in the Spell Damage Ward no. 607, fourth floor, and I believe a personal owl from him to you is already on it's way. Mr. Malfoy has not sustained any lasting damage, but we will be keeping him under observation for the night just in case. Visiting hours are from 6:00 p.m to 8:00 p.m.**

**Regards, **

**Matilda Warren,**

**Deputy Healer,**

**Spell Damage Department**

**St. Mungo's for Magical Maladies and Injuries.**

* * *

_Granger,_

_WHAT KIND OF BLOODY PROTECTIVE CHARMS DO YOU PUT ON YOUR BLASTED HOUSE, GRANGER?! I am a TRAINED MINISTRY OFFICIAL, and I almost DIED when all those protective spells backfired! Almost DIED!_

_And what was I trying to do? Surprise you- thinking that when you open the door to your house, there will be this beautiful dinner set in place by me, and the doors locked so we could TALK about THAT NIGHT without you running out on me! _

_But WHAT do I get for going to such troubles?_

_A BURNT eyebrow, and a PSYCHO nurse who keeps feeling me up._

_I hope you're happy now!_

_-Draco_

* * *

_Granger,_

_Well...that was rather nice. "Snuck into my heart"- brought tears to my eyes. _

_Oh, and especially those three golden words...How can I forget?_

_Yes, Granger, I was listening. And no, I wasn't asleep- what kind of a git do you take me for? I've read enough sappy novels to know that the heroine always comes to the hero's deathbed and confesses her love for him while he's asleep (it's got a bit of a dramatic flair to it) so I simply decided to do the same. I pretended to sleep when I heard you come (and your arrival was quite loud) and my! How well my theory worked! Needless to say, I heard every word of your emotional, touching speech, Granger while you knelt down on my deathbed. You must be blushing right now, huh? I can almost picture it. There was no need for you to cry, though. It's not like I was actually dying. Don't cry from later on, okay? _

_It's too sad you left before I could "fake-wake-up" and talk to you though, but something tells me you won't be ignoring me for long, Granger. _

_Why, you ask?_

_Because, you see, the thing is..._

_...I love you too._

_So finish whatever asinine document you're reading every letter of, or whatever God damn creature you've decided to help- and come back to me as fast as you can. Because I miss you already_

_-Draco_

* * *

**A/N: Too confusing...? I'm not entirely sure, since I'm the one who wrote it, so I pretty much have all my doubts cleared :P Let me know if there's anything I didn't mention, and I'll clear it it out!**

**Btw, I like the part in which Draco says- "_she goes on and on for hours, I can't stop her if I wanted to"- _it shows how he actually doesn't really want Bonnie to stop.**

**So, anyway...please review! And check out my other Dramione one-shot "The Bench" and tell me what you think about it, won't you? *puppy eyes***

**Thank you for reading, guys :)**

**~SS~ **


End file.
